This week, the 1st-7th May 2023, is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, so honouring and supporting this, I wanted to bring some thoughts to the table…
Maternal Mental Health is something I feel really passionate about. Before having children, I witnessed the struggle of some families through my work in the NHS. The area in which I work exposes me to some of the most extreme cases, but mental health concerns amongst new Mothers is actually a really prominent issue and I don’t think it’s talked about enough. Worldwide, maternal mental health issues affect about 1 in 5 women, and no one is immune.
There is a spectrum of antenatal and postpartum mental health disorders, but irrelevant of the concern, it needs to be talked about. Women will never get the support they need if awareness isn’t prioritised.
It was interesting that during the second covid lockdown, parent and baby groups were deemed ‘essential’ to continue. This was due to the fact that after the first lockdown, powers that be realised that shutting new mums away with their babies was not healthy for either party. They realised the importance of a ‘bubble’ and a social support system for new Mums.
Since becoming a Mummy, I have seen and experienced the pressures myself, and its not ok. Whether it is unrealistic expectations, comparisons or judgements, I now feel even more strongly that we need to raise awareness and build a solid support system for each other.
It's great if you have supportive families, friends, partners etc, but no one can really understand it as well as another Mum who is going through it at the same time, Mums who can REALLY understand what it’s like and Mums who will not judge you for being honest.
A lot of parents I speak to feel guilty for being honest, therefore keep their thoughts to themselves. We are all extremely lucky to have our babies, but this does not take away from the fact that being a parent is hard. Of course, we love our babies, but sometimes you need to rant, sometimes you need to moan and sometimes you need time to yourself, and that is OK, it’s important to feel able to do so. People will struggle with different stages and aspects of parenthood, but I challenge you to find any one Mum who found every part of parenthood a breeze!
I personally found the newborn stage with my first baby really hard. My labour didn’t go to plan, so after all my prep, I not only had to manage the disappointment of missing out on the experience of a natural birth, I had significant feelings of failure. I can’t remember how many times I read or was told that labour is a ‘natural’ process, and to ‘trust’ my body. But what is the impact of this expectation for Mums whose bodies DON’T do things naturally? In my mind, I’d failed. My body failed me, I couldn’t do it, therefore was I even meant to be a Mum?
I found that there was a stigma around caesarean births. It’s perceived as the easy option. We all know the ‘too posh to push’ quip. The option of a caesarean section is often just dropped into conversation as a throw away comment, like it's not the real deal. But I can assure you that recovering from major abdominal surgery whilst looking after a newborn is not for the weak. For some, it is a choice, for others, the choice may have been taken away from them. No birth is easy.
So many Mothers I speak to feel judged for many different reasons. It may be by a stranger in the street, family (most often the MIL!) friends and amazingly, even other Mums. It’s irrelevant who it is, but we need to address this. Parents are having a hard enough time as it is, without this additional stress. You never truly know what is going on in the background or behind the scenes, so be kind. We’ve all done it, rolled our eyes at the crying baby on the plane or mumbled about the noisy toddler at a restaurant, it is more than likely the Mum is more stressed about it than you are.
It’s hard to understand if you’re not a Mum yourself, but next time you see a parent struggling, instead of judging, ignoring, tutting or rolling your eyes, ask them if they need a hand. Ask if they’re ok. Can you push the buggy for them while they battle a screaming toddler? Can you hold their coffee for them? Doesn’t matter how small, and they will most likely say that they’re fine, but the gesture and understanding will mean SO much.
We need to build a support system of Mums supporting Mums and Women supporting Women. Look out for your friends, especially those new Mummies. Check if they’re ok and I mean really OK. Be there for them.
Offer help, but be specific. It’s overwhelming when someone asks ‘how can I help?’ Offer to put a wash on, bring over a meal, hoover, hold the baby while Mum showers. Take the baby for a walk in the pram to give Mum a minute’s peace.
Catch yourself before you judge. Everyone parents differently and you don’t know their individual circumstances. Offer support, not judgement.
Follow people on social media who make you feel good. There is a lot of content out there that is impractical and unrealistic. If it doesn’t make you feel good, unfollow immediately.
There are lots of resources and platforms who are doing amazing work on maternal mental health services, so if anyone reading this needs any support, please do reach out.
You’ve got this Mamas!
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